Begin Again
by Maeve Morgan
Summary: Post 12x11. "According to the test I took this morning, yeah actually... I think I am." What is going through April's head? What is going to happen to them now? Japril, ongoing with following episodes.
1. Her circumstances

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy, its characters and universe belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this TV show and personal pleasure.

A.N.: Japril still manages to pull at my heartstrings just when I think I'm getting over Grey's. What's going on in April's head at the end of 12x11?

* * *

 **Begin Again**

 _1\. Her circumstances_

"According to the test I took this morning, yeah actually… I think I am."

As she said it, a smile came over her lips and before this morning, April hadn't thought this would be possible. She just got divorced. Her, divorced! There was no reason to smile. But that was before this morning. Because before this morning life had been so much different. She'd been angry and confused and hurt, and while now she still was all that she also had something else: Hope.

She wasn't a fool. No, April Kepner was no fool. She knew that some people still viewed her as naïve and silly and wide-eyed as when she first came to Seattle and started her residency program at the extinct Mercy West. She still talked too much and got ahead of herself and wore her heart on her sleeve, and in all honesty that probably wouldn't change for as long as she lived. But she wasn't naïve anymore; life had made sure of that.

She knew a baby wouldn't be an answer to save a marriage. If Jackson was really decided to divorce her, she would let him. He wasn't willing to talk anymore and to hear her out and understand her. But that had always been how he operated. When he didn't hear what he wanted to hear, the discussion was over. He was done. And that was exactly why she kept insisting on this; how could he give up just because he didn't get his way? That wasn't marriage.

Before this morning, she had planned to go out with all guns blazing and her ready speech of fighting for love and fighting for them. But now… She had a baby to think of. It was all right to keep herself and Jackson in this mess of a relationship, because she believed they were worth fighting for. She truly believed that. But a baby? A baby hadn't signed up for any of this. All a baby wanted was to be loved, and she would make sure this baby would be so much loved.

She wouldn't want to use their baby to force him to stay with her. Not when it was all over in his eyes, not when he was decided like that. If he couldn't be with her for them, she didn't want him to stay for the baby.

And surprisingly, it was okay. Her smile became more pronounced as she thought it over one more time. She might be the first Kepner to get divorced, and she'd never thought she'd be divorcing Jackson of all people. But now there was something. This baby proved that their marriage, their whole relationship hadn't been a mistake, that there had been so many good moments and there had been real love between them. That was the way God chose to remind her. Because even if their road had been a messy one, with so much pain, it also brought joy.

"April, oh my God," Arizona said as she sat beside her, quite shell-shocked. "Why did you—what will you—?"

"Arizona, please," April said, closing her eyes for a moment. "I just—I can't think about this right now. Can we just… can we order something in and not talk for a while?"

Arizona stared at her for a few moments. The redhead really did seem so tired, as if she'd come through a war. Which, in a way, she had. Arizona then she just nodded along. "Okay. What would you like?"

"Anything but Chinese," she said, nearly under her breath, but her friend heard her anyway and got up to make the order, taking the wine and champagne bottles back to the counter.

Arizona placed an order with a nearby pizza place she loved and as she set the phone down she said, "Do you mind if I have something to drink? I think I need something to drink."

"No, go ahead," April replied quietly, still unmoved from her spot.

The blonde poured herself a glass of white wine and joined her back on the couch. "Alright," Arizona said, nodding a bit a she surveyed her friend. "So… divorced and pregnant?"

April just looked at her askance and said, "Didn't I just ask us not to talk?"

"I'm sorry," Arizona replied, raising her hands defensively while she still held her wine glass. "You know you can't just drop this on me and expect me not to talk about it. I'm not Meredith, who can go on with a smile on her face and not talking about things. I'm like you! I need to talk about things and I don't understand how _you_ are not talking about it right now."

"It's just that…" April said, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose before she looked back at her friend and started gesturing wildly with her hands. "This is all just so surreal. It doesn't seem real. I can't believe I got up this morning, took a pregnancy test and then got divorced. _To Jackson!_ Jackson and I got divorced."

"I know," Arizona nodded at what she said. "And in my experience that feeling will last for a while, it won't go away that easy. But April, honey, we have to think about what you're going to do with this."

"I know," April replied. "I just didn't want to have to think about it so soon. Right now this isn't really real. I mean, a homemade pregnancy test is not conclusive enough, not for me."

"Right," Arizona agreed. "So if you want to, we can have our pizza and afterwards I can take you to the hospital and we draw blood for an hCG test."

The redhead nodded quietly as she looked out the window in front of her. After a moment, she turned and looked straight to Arizona as she said, "I'm scared." Arizona gave her a sympathetic look in understanding. "I know my feelings are all over the place right now, but I'm really scared. What if I am pregnant and this baby has osteogenesis too? I don't think I can go through that again."

"I know, I know," Arizona said soothingly. "But type II osteogenesis imperfecta is usually 100% the result of _de novo_ mutation. The odds of this happening twice to you are minimal, 2 to 4%."

"Yeah, okay," April agreed, nodding shakily at that. "Right. I need to remind myself of that. God, please don't let me go through this again."

Arizona reached over and squeezed her hand. The two of them remained in silence for a while, but it wasn't long before Arizona spoke again. "Are you going to tell Jackson?"

"Probably. I don't know," April shrugged her shoulders a bit in despair. "Can I tell him after I know for sure that this baby is perfectly healthy?"

"April, you know the earliest and safest test you can take is at 14 weeks. Are you going to wait that long?" Arizona kept trying to be the voice of reason in this impossible situation.

"Maybe," April shrugged once more, and the blonde just looked pointedly at her. "No, you're right. I have to tell him. I just… I just wanted a break, you know?"

"I know," Arizona smiled at her. "But I'm gonna be here all the way, I'm gonna help you with this. And it will be alright."

"Yeah, thank you," April replied with a small smile of her own. Arizona set her glass on the table and reach over to hug her.

Soon after their pizza arrived. They ate while talking of amenities, and afterwards both went out, back to the hospital.

* * *

A.N.: Before anybody loses their mind, I'm not taking any sides here, both April and Jackson were right and wrong about a few things. I'm just writing things in her point of view because it's easiest to me. And I'm sure this baby will be perfectly healthy; the writers can't make Japril or us go through this again!


	2. His circumstances

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy, its characters and universe belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this TV show and personal pleasure.

A.N.: Wow! I was so overwhelmed with the response to this story. As many people asked for more and as Japril continues to inspire me, I might start adding post-ep pieces to this with my thoughts/interpretations.

* * *

 **Begin Again**

 _2\. His circumstances_

"You want this? Do you _really_ want this?"

Jackson couldn't help the tears that came over as April asked the question. This time, all the fight was out of her. He'd honestly expected her to be fiery and defiant to the end, like she'd always been, but now she was just sad and defeated. Her fire was out and she'd finally listened to what he was saying, that this was over for him. He couldn't answer her and he just looked away.

Was this what he really wanted? He had to believe that. Because he needed something to change, he couldn't stay stuck in this moment forever. His life had been stuck for over a year now. Ever since Samuel died and then when April had left him, all alone to grieve on his own, he'd been trapped in his own life.

He knew why she'd left, he really did understand what she was saying and why she needed that. And now when he thought about it, maybe he should've gone with her. If he hadn't stayed for his patients, if they'd both been out there together finding meaning back in life, maybe it would've been okay. He almost went with her, if he'd just managed to get on that plane the second time she left. If he'd just waited for the next flight and joined her there. If…

There had been too many "ifs" and too many "maybes". And right now he needed something new, he needed to get his life back together. And for as long as they were in this stalemate, neither together nor apart, he couldn't do that. He had to let her go, and she had to let him go.

Still, this was hard. It was so much harder than he expected. His heart was screaming, seeing the quiet devastation on her face as the lawyer deemed this one of the simpler divorces and she finally signed the papers. But he had to listen to reason, for his head knew what was best for him while his heart… Well, his heart was beaten and battered and it continued to love her despite all the pain they'd been through. And he knew they would just keep putting each other through more and more pain if they stayed together. There were some things that simply could not be repaired, and his head, his reason told him this was one of those things, try as they might. Try as they did.

After leaving the lawyer's office, Jackson went back to his hotel room-he still hadn't gotten around looking for a new place. Now he could finally start. He got lost in his thoughts as he dressed and was late to the church. But he got there and he was doing this. By walking Tatiana down the aisle, he was finished with all the promises he made her. He'd kept them all, possible and impossible, he'd gotten her through the worst experience of her life and gotten to the other side, and now she was ready to get her life back and start over with her husband. It gave him hope that he'd also get to the other side and start over.

"You'll probably have the same fight for fifty years. But you just can't let it become bigger than the two of you."

He meant every word he told Tatiana. Marriage was a partnership, and it was important to be together for everything. He and April hadn't managed that. She'd needed to go to save herself, and he hadn't been able to keep all his promises to her. She was okay now, she'd built herself up again. But he was still broken. He'd gotten over losing Samuel, but he never got over her leaving, and even when she came back he couldn't get past this. He was stuck.

He loved her, he still did. But the fight got bigger than the two of them. And now he needed to save _his_ life.

Now he got the divorce he wanted, but in a way it didn't make things any less difficult. Of course, he knew they'd still see each other on a daily basis at the hospital, yet one thing Jackson hadn't counted on was April being okay after the divorce. In fact, she looked better than okay. She seemed almost content and at peace, and while that should've been reassuring, something to comfort him, something that told him they'd done the right thing, it didn't. It bothered him.

Not to say that he'd expected her to be falling to pieces at the hospital. After all, she was professional and cared deeply about her work at the ER, but he'd thought it would be awkward in the first few weeks, and they might avoid each other and she'd get sad when she saw him. But nope. She was fine.

"You know, you can come with me, if you want to," Ben Warren suddenly said, standing beside him by the elevator doors as they got off shift and ready to leave the hospital, both back in their regular clothes. At Jackson's questioning look, Ben added, "To play golf. I think you'd enjoy it."

"Oh," Jackson said, as he'd been caught a little by surprise. He'd gotten lost in his thoughts and hadn't expected this. "Oh, sure! Yeah, I appreciate it."

"I usually go on weekends. We can play a few rounds on this one if you're free," Ben continued, looking attentively at him.

"Yeah, yeah, let's do that," Jackson replied, still rather distracted. To the right he caught on the corner of his eye a glimpse of red, and he saw April, changed out of scrubs and back in her clothes, probably also getting ready to leave. She was standing at the nurse's station talking quietly to Karev. He was nodding at her and she smiled as he reached out and squeezed her arm for a moment.

"You okay, man?" Warren was frowning at him.

"What?" Jackson focused back on him, shaking his head lightly. "Yeah, just a little tired. Need to get some sleep." The elevator doors opened then and they both got on. "It's been a weird day."

Jackson really needed something else, something new in his life right now. Getting divorced was a start to taking control of his life back, but the fact was that he would still see April every day at the hospital. But they could do this, he could do this. They had broken up before and still managed to work together just fine. He just had to remind himself of that. And he had to stop being bothered about the fact that she wasn't bothered with the divorce.


	3. Action and reaction

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy, its characters and universe belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this TV show and personal pleasure.

A.N.: I know, some of you are going to hate me for this, but please bear with me. I have a process.

* * *

 **Begin Again**

 _3\. Action and reaction_

Sometimes, Jackson has to wonder at the wisdom of his actions. Or lack of wisdom thereof.

Really, if he thought about it, the whole thing was Sloan's fault. He had to go and drag him from his preset path in cardio to form the Plastics Posse and get him into plastics and become his mentor, or something. Imagine how his life might've turned out if Sloan hadn't meddled with it. He would now be a Cardio God, probably living back in Boston and working at Mass Gen. After all, if he had stayed in cardio in competition with Cristina Yang, he probably wouldn't have stayed in Seattle at Grey + Sloan after his residency. In fact, there probably wouldn't even _be_ a Grey + Sloan.

Of course, when he really thought about it, it was so petty of him to blame his life's problems on Sloan. But even so, sometimes he couldn't avoid thinking of the wisdom of his actions, and actions that were definitely influenced by one Mark Sloan. Like getting up in that barn and interrupting April's wedding.

He understood where Mark was coming from, when he gave him those advices. The man was dying and facing a lifetime of regrets and the fact that he never got to live his life fully with the woman he loved, his true soul mate. And Mark only wanted Jackson to live a full, happy life with the woman he loved.

In theory, it was great advice. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there.

But no one ever gets up and expects that your life would be burned to the ground. Of course, not immediately. Right after getting up and saying it loud and going from there, it was kind of great. And for as much as other people got hurt in the process, it felt right. He and April were starting a life together and it was a good one. But of course, the fact that they never had a traditional courtship soon caught up with them. They knew each other, they'd known each other for years. But living together and being married was a different kind of knowing each other, and it took some adjustment.

Of course, maybe everything would've been fine. But then Samuel happened and everything changed.

Jackson never said it, because he was a man of science, he was a man of logic, he was a man of reason. But sometimes, he thought to himself that maybe it'd been karma. He'd dragged April away from what surely would've been a lifetime of happiness with Matthew because he'd missed his window and it was his proverbial last chance and he was selfish, and now the God that April so loved was punishing them for it.

Maybe it'd all been so screwed up from the start that in fact it just wasn't meant to be, but they kept insisting on it until they bled and hurt too much. And then something that was beautiful, that could've been beautiful turned out to be just sad and tragic. A sad (beautiful), tragic love affair.

And now here they were: Divorced, yet still seeing each other every single day at the hospital. And Jackson had thought that getting divorced would help things, but so far, not really. He finally left the hotel and got a place of his own and he wasn't stuck anymore, he was free to do whatever he wanted to do. Yet somehow everything was still the same.

Maybe Callie was right. Not in the sense that they weren't charmed by his good looks on the account of knowing him for so long, but she was right to say that he'd been around that hospital for too long and everybody knew him and how he was damaged goods. He needed to get out of there, mix it up a little. Going to that military hospital showed him that there was a world outside of Grey + Sloan Memorial Hospital, and a reminder that there were other people out there.

Would it be too soon? To start dating again? He and April hadn't really been together in so long. But still, it wasn't even a month since they'd signed the divorce papers.

On the other hand, April seemed to be really okay. More than okay. It seemed this divorce was agreeing more with her than with him, which was ironic, to say the least.

Shaking his head, Jackson decided he was overthinking. He took a deep breath in and then dialed the number on his phone. "Hello, Captain Vaughn? Yes, this is Jackson Avery, from Grey Sloan Memorial."

He just wanted to check on their patient, get an update and see if they needed anything before their next visit. He was just checking in. And if Captain Vaughn—"Oh, Emily, is it? Okay Emily, then please call me Jackson." And if Emily happened to be flirty again and he flirted back, it was okay.

It wasn't like he was married, after all.


End file.
